


Bad Habits

by MrShyRockstar



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky is such a whore when high, M/M, Major abuse of alcohol and drugs, Mentions of Thor/Bucky, mentions of ironwinter (aka Bucky/Tony), mentions of stucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 21:13:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3665250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrShyRockstar/pseuds/MrShyRockstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky wasn't meant to be happy, he knew that. The universe had been telling him since day one that he would always be given something just to have it taken away. The first time he would realize this was when he met Steve Rogers. The second time Bucky would realize this was when his best friend saved him from the horrors that was Zola only to find himself back on a slightly different operation table not even a year later. He gained back his life just to lose it again to the Red Room and then later  to Hydra all over again. However he never would truly understand until he watched the love of his life fall without anyone there to catch him. </p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Or how Bucky's coping mechanisms have everyone on the defense, and what if its all for nothing?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Habits

**Author's Note:**

  * For [riveracantha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/riveracantha/gifts).



> So I've been itching to write for awhile. Like, a couple weeks now I've had the very desperate urge to write. I finally gave in today to that urge and after bouncing around a few Stony ideas I gave up and let my muse drag me here to this lovely WinterHawk that will be. my. death. Its sad, or its suppose to be sad... but Bucky had his own ideas on how he wanted this story told and well, here we are? 
> 
> Enjoy, I wrote this for my lovely friend Sing on Tumblr (:

Bucky wasn’t meant to be happy, he knew that. The universe had been telling him since day one that he would always be given something just to have it taken away. The first time he would realize this was when he met Steve Rogers. Tiny little thing with more life in him than his small sickly body could handle. Bucky spent many winters, heck days in general, terrified this would be the day Steve’s body would finally give up, but Steve’s soul was stronger than anything Bucky had ever seen before and he would overcome many sicknesses. Bucky was grateful for him many times, as he would be many times in days to come. That didn’t mean the universe wasn’t laughing at him, giving him a sickly best friend with the determination of a man twice his size.

The second time Bucky would realize this was when his best friend saved him from the horrors that was Zola only to find himself back on a slightly different operation table not even a year later. Subjected to the horrors and torment the Russian scientist dished out with no hope of rescue since the last time he had seen Steve, he—Bucky that is—was falling from a _train_. He gained back his life just to lose it again to the Red Room and then later to Hydra all over again.

However he never would truly understand until he watched _the love of his life_ fall without anyone there to catch him. Bucky had been there, he had watched, words sticking in his throat like thick bile as he tried to shout a warning, to scream, to shoot the assailant, anything that would have stopped it. Anything. However he got the vague feeling that this was exactly how Steve felt when Bucky had fallen. Watching, helpless to stop the inevitable, not strong enough where it truly mattered, the universe laughed in Bucky’s face the day _he_ fell. In the end Clint Barton fell from that building with a gunshot straight through the chest with no back up to catch him from that fifty story fall.

_I eat my dinner in my bathtub_

“Bucky?” A voice called softly, echoing about the small room easily despite the low volume. Bucky lifted his head sluggishly, dazed as he tried to focus heavily on the large body before him. ‘Steve?’ he tried to murmur, although he was quite certain it came out as a mess of sounds and not an actual word.

“Oh Bucky no, not again” the voice murmured and he suddenly felt arms curling around his upper body, pulling him with only a small amount of effort from his spot in…the bathtub it seemed. A lazy smirk curled Bucky’s lips before a spark of pain sliced through him, reminding him exactly why he was here to begin with. ‘Leave me alone’ Bucky tried to get out, pushing weakly at the body that now had him draped across a broad chest. _Steve_ he acknowledged distantly, feeling his stomach churn with feelings he was trying to bury. Not that he was doing a good job before the man appeared to drag him from his hiding spot.

“No Bucky, I haven’t seen you in days, you have to quit doing this to yourself.” Steve groused, settling Bucky down on the bed in the next room, and hey when had they moved all the way in here? Feeling more…capable of moving on his own now, Bucky shoved at Steve’s pestering hands and stood up. He only wobbled momentarily before his balance was regained “Fuck off” Bucky actually managed to get out before he was stumbling out of the room, opting to go to the separate bathroom down the hall.

Steve followed close behind but not near enough since Bucky managed to slip into said bathroom and lock the door before Steve could get more than a word of protest out. “Damnit Bucky you have to stop this” Steve growled, “You can’t hide in the bathroom for the rest of your life”.

Bucky grunted before looking in the mirror, eyebrows rising at the mess of a picture he made. “’m jus’ gonna shower, lemme alone punk” Bucky muttered back, knowing full well Steve would still be able to hear him. Just for good measure though he turned the shower on and was satisfied to hear the defeated sigh as Steve paced away near silently. Bucky shook his head softly returning to stare once more at his reflection in the mirror. Lifeless blue-grey eyes stared back at him, dirty tangled dark brown hair fell around a pale face. Dark bruises caused his eyes to appear sharper than they truly were but his pallor made those bruises appear even worse. Days’ worth of stubble adorned his sunken cheeks and a quiet sigh escaped chapped pink lips before he forced himself to look away. Once upon a time he would have cared about his appearance but now… now he just needed to look okay enough to get the things he needed to keep the pain at bay.

However he wouldn’t be able to get passed Steve dressed like this. Musing his options he popped open the mirror cabinet and took in the small stash of bottles he had there, grabbing the painkillers he flicked the lid off with ease before dumping half the bottle into his mouth. He turned around and stuck his head into the shower taking large gulps of water pouring from the showerhead so he could properly swallow the pills. Bucky knew they wouldn’t really help but the psychological aspect of it already did lots to ease the vice that held his chest in its tight grip.

With a grunt, Bucky leaned back and pulled his shirt off with only distant stiffness, body responding but not understanding almost the signals being sent. Once he managed to strip all the way he stepped into the scalding water, only after standing there for a few minutes did he remember he should probably be cleaning the smells of the last club he had been to off of him. Slowly he went to work doing that, the whole time wondering why he even bothered when he knew that was exactly where he was going to end up tonight.

\--

A soft knock on the door broke through his thoughts, “Bucky are you ever going to leave the bathroom, or do I need to come in after you…again?” Steve called out softly, a hint of sadness leaking into his otherwise even voice. Bucky sighed and pulled the towel off his head, not that his hair was any dryer from his pitiful attempts to dry it. Opening the door Bucky ignored the indignant noise Steve made while he headed towards the bedroom for clothes, since he hadn’t bothered to grab any in his earlier escape from Steve. Taking a quick glance at the clock Bucky noted if he left now he could probably make it to the club just in time for it to get so noisy he couldn’t help but lose himself to it.

Bucky flung on whatever clothes were near him, the whole time ignoring Steve’s impatient questions as he headed towards the front door, grabbing his keys and wallet, stuffing them into his pocket as he opened the door “I’m heading out, don’t wait up” Bucky murmured before shutting the door in Steve’s face hoping the man would just let him go. Bucky wondered, not for the first time, how many more nights he could just leave without explanation before Steve would get fed up, he wasn’t sure but he hoped tonight wouldn’t be it.

_Then I go to sex clubs  
Watching freaky people gettin' it on_

It didn’t take Bucky long to reach the club, gaining entrance with a simple nod to the bouncer who recognized him at this point. He headed straight to the back without a second thought, chasing a high he knew he would never quite reach again. Not without _him,_ probably never again.  

Bucky easily sidled up to the bar and ordered a double jack and motioned for the bartender to keep them coming. He threw three back without so much of taking a breath of air before he even thought to slow down for appearances sake. It just took so much more alcohol to even affect his system that he usually got impatient chasing the buzz. Bucky ignored the awed looks of those who didn’t recognize him as a regular and smiled flirtatiously to anyone who so much as grazed against him.

After sitting there chasing shots Bucky spotted the person he was looking for and happily followed them towards a private room. No words needed to be exchanged for what he was looking for. He quietly handed over the money before taking the small bag of white powder offered to him. Before allowing the person to leave however Bucky blocked the door and checked that stuff paid for was the real thing, just as he did every night before allowing the dealer to leave. He knew better than to check after, not that that had ended well for that particular dealer when that had happened, but he didn’t like wasting time.

Once Bucky was sure he had the real stuff he fluidly moved from the door towards the table, allowing the dealer to leave as he prepared to get high off his ass. With steadier hands than he had in hours he easily set up a few lines and snorted them with a practiced ease he couldn’t remember gaining.

At this point he could feel the effects from the alcohol taking over, that numbness creeping across his chest putting to rest the pain that scraped at his nerves like jagged knives. The quick mixture of a high only coke could give you quickly softening the blunt and torn edges of his soul. Blindly Bucky reached for the bottle of jack he knew would be kept beneath the table, a placating gift the dealers had taken to leaving after the first incident where he had been sold fake coke.

 A sloppy grin tugged his lips as his metal fingers clanked loudly against the bottle. Bucky quickly fished the bottle from beneath the table, twisting the lid off with ease as he took a large pull. A torn chuckle burst from the depths of his chest and he knew the drugs were working through his system and shit this was good stuff. Bucky took a few generous tugs from the bottle before he sloppily set it down beside him, lining up another line of coke so that his own system wouldn't be able to keep up with the double attack he was presenting it. He had learned long ago that doing one or the other would only last for a couple hours tops before the effects would fade. If he combined them it led to a killer high mixed buzz and he would lose hours happily.

_It doesn't make me nervous_  
If anything I'm restless  
Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all

The music thumping from the club was pulsing through him now and he happily welcomed it, the change to pain that normally tore his body apart. Another snort of cocaine and he couldn’t even remember his name, a fact he realized quickly when a few girls who had wandered in asked him for it. That didn’t deter them though as they made quick work of moving him to towards the bed within the private room.

Not ready to let up on his own personal bodily assault just yet Bucky procured some shot glasses from he isn’t even sure where and started doing body shots off the girls, laughing when it spilled and he ended up chasing the alcohol across lovely tan bodies. Metal fingers more than warm from being swarmed by the girls around him, traced dangerous path across toned bodies, encouraging the girls as they pushed and pulled him different ways within his high before they used him as a table next.

Bucky even so graciously shared his coke, moaning when a girl salaciously licked her way up his chest after snorting a messy line of coke from it. He pinned the girl down to attack her neck only to be waylaid by another girl wanting him to do a shot from between her breast. Which he wasn’t going to turn down, and he found himself chasing more than just a few shots of --was that brandy-- down those lovely breasts.

Bucky probably would have stayed there happily, pushing the limits of his high before heading home if strong hands hadn’t grabbed him. Many protests were made all around and he could hear the girls being shooed from the room by a very stern voice. Bucky couldn’t focus though, there were warm strong hands on him and although he wanted to fight and protest the girls leaving he at some point must have taken ecstasy because everything felt so. Damn. Good.

_I get home, I got the munchies_  
Binge on all my Twinkies  
Throw up in the tub  
Then I go to sleep

“I have him” A voice as deep and strong as steel hissed and it sounded so loud despite being drowned by the pounding music of the club. Bucky perked up though because such a voice had to be attached to a fuck awesome body and oh my god he was right. Bucky’s hands quickly zoomed across strong arms and a chiseled chest, dancing across tense shoulders as he tried to touch everywhere at once, attaching himself to the body like a… like a something that attached itself to things. His brain was more interested in the strong muscles moving beneath his hands and mouth teasingly close yet too far away from his own to give a fuck about the semantics.

 

“What-shit-Bucky stop” The voice tried to command but tapered off, sounding equally startled and uneasy. Bucky just groaned and pressed himself harder into the hands that were trying to corral him to be still and yet not touch him at all. A mewl of distress when he was forced away from the body escaped Bucky’s lips and his eyes shuttered to finally look up at the blonde who was staring down at him in displeasure while also holding him at arm’s length.

That just wouldn’t do.

Bucky licked his lips slowly, staring at the –quite honestly gorgeous-- man before him who was, speaking actually, and decided on the best plan of attack. This in the end just had Bucky pretending to fall so the man startled enough to let him go, in obviously an attempt to catch him --how sweet-- but ended with Bucky slipping through grasping hands to climb the man like the fucking tree he was. Bucky never said the plan was perfect but fuck if it didn’t work _oh so perfectly._

Bucky wrapped his metal arm around the man’s neck to better hold himself in place, his legs pinned around such a lovely fucking waist. Bucky couldn’t help but marvel at the startling blue eyes that stared wide-eyed up at him, his own face angled and oh so close. The man’s face was soft yet angular, sharp yet smooth and fuck he was high and drunk not a poet. Bucky couldn’t stop the moan of anticipation escaping the depths of his throat as he dragged his fingers through such soft blonde hair only to grip it tightly so he could easily fit his mouth against that luscious one he hadn’t stopped staring at since his vision focused.

A startled sound escaped the blonde which allowed him to shove his tongue quite desperately into that warm mouth, searching… searching for something but he wasn’t sure. At that moment all he wanted was to drown in that wonderful flavor and not surface for days. Desperate hands tugged at Bucky’s shoulders, arms and waist were the only reason he even thought to break the kiss, quite dizzy for air. A drunken laugh escaping Bucky’s throat as he released blonde hair to knock away the many hands suddenly pulling at him, trying to remove him from his source of joy.

Everything swirled with each movement Bucky made but he could feel just a touch of soberness with all the words being shouted around him and the general tenseness of the air. “Jesus fuck guys, calm down” Bucky managed to laugh, releasing his legs from around the blonde male who obviously was not okay with his affections. However he obviously hadn’t thought that action through because having removed his arm previously from the blondes neck  caused his legs to be his only source of anchor thus causing him to crash to the ground because… of a thing called gravity and not thinking ahead.

Bucky laughed more, rolling onto his stomach with his laughter, despite the dull pain ringing through his body from the rather…far fall. Rolling over he eyed the bottle of brandy nearby and he quickly darted through the many legs – where had all these people come from? Where did the girls go?—and grabbed the bottle only managing a large gulp before it was taken from him. “Hey” Bucky shouted, upset at his vice being taken. “Bucky” The blonde man all but sighed, disappointment causing his brows to tug together in a pinched way that was too familiar and Bucky couldn’t take it. He wasn’t sure, currently unaware how he even knew this man but God he knew he couldn’t take that look and it pierced straight through his buzz.

_You're gone and I gotta stay_  
High all the time  
To keep you off my mind  
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

“Dude, fuck off” Bucky groused, making a swipe for the bottle again only to be thwarted by his body not cooperating… and well his in general over-estimation when he only grabbed thin air. Stumbling he huffed and shoved his hand into his pocket checking for the remainder of his coke, he didn’t need alcohol to get high he knew that but the alcohol helped lots. The man just shook his head and turned around to promptly upend the rest of the bottle into the sink.

Bucky just shrugged and slipped through the others who were trying to corral him to sit down so they could look him over–however he managed to slip through them so high off his ass is a mystery—to head back into the club. It _was_ a club, the alcohol wasn’t limited. “Bucky!” That voice, God the one attached to the man he climbed like a tree only to be rejected, shouted. Bucky glanced back to see stressed blue eyes before he slipped into the crowd. Heading to the bar was his first choice but would probably be where they would assume he was heading.

Bucky debated his choices left without having to leave the club for a new one when he stumbled across the girls from before, now doing some shots with other men. After a flirtatious smirk and some groping he found himself doing body shots off the young men as well, switching out when it was his turn. He laughed loudly, not caring since it would be drowned by the music before he followed the girls onto the dance floor. Bucky was quickly reclaiming the high he temporarily lost, easing back into the thoughtlessness he had previously, quickly forgetting the alteration with the blonde male in the private room.

Buck was quickly lost into the mass of bodies, sliding, twisting, grinding. He was reaching an all high when he felt a strong lean body slide up behind him. A stab of pain shot through him but before he could even be curious why deft hips were grinding into his ass and he couldn’t help but retaliate. The one thing Bucky had learned how to do quickly in this century was to dance dirty, to grind and slither against his partner, to leave them panting and wanting. He knew when he danced it was absolutely filthy, but that was the best way to ensure a happier ending to his high before he repeated it the next night, those few hours of blinding pain a distant dream when he was here. Bucky dropped towards the floor before sliding his body right up the person behind him, his superior hearing catching the soft gasp of surprise as he pressed himself into the lean male behind him.

_Spend my days locked in a haze_  
Trying to forget you babe  
I fall back down  
Gotta stay high all my life  
To forget I'm missing you  
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

“Holy fucking Jesus, Mary and Christ” The man muttered and a small part of his brain recognized the voice, knew it wasn’t someone he would manage to wrangle into his bed but a larger part recognized the challenge. Bucky, now more determined, moved with the music, his own lean and muscular body flowing sinuously against the male behind him. Faintly Bucky could hear sounds of what sounded like someone else telling the man to concentrate on what they came for, but he knew that the man was too distracted now, lost in the sin that was Bucky’s own body.

Turning around Bucky took in the man before him as he dropped to his knees again, hands darting out to grip strong thighs before he pressed his chest against the man’s slightly parted thighs, sliding his body up the sinfully beautiful one now before him. The man had short hair that was mussed in a way that screamed ‘sex-hair’ although artfully still fell more appropriately into ‘bedhead’. Clouded brown eyes followed each of Bucky’s movements in such a way that let him see the calculations being made in the other man’s eyes. Tan fingers were tangling into Bucky’s own dark hair as Bucky trailed his own paler hands up the man’s sides only stopping on the man’s waist to keep that sinful body pinned to his own.

Bucky heard someone distantly hiss _“Tony”_ and realized the man must be wearing an earpiece for him to be able to hear it so clearly himself. Considering there was no one even paying them mind here on the dancefloor that is, it made since to his insanely high and lust-filled mind. Idly Bucky moved a hand up with the pretense of combing the devastatingly beautiful and obviously quite stunned man’s hair but simply flicked the earpiece away. Startled brown eyes met his own clouded blue ones as the man, Tony, slide his own hands down Bucky’s chest, fingers toying with the cloth in a way that seemed more calculated the shy or lost.

A devilish grin broke out across Bucky’s lips before he ground his hips into Tony’s in time with the music, moving forward to capture those sinful lips he distantly knew he had thought of before in a different place, although he couldn’t be bothered to care where. The second his lips touched Tony’s it was as if a flip was switched and the man was all over him, fingers digging into Bucky’s own long hair once more and pulling him deeper into the kiss. They were fighting for dominance although Bucky wasn’t really sure he cared who won that battle.

Since they were amongst a large throng of people, making out, Bucky—being the taller and more situationally aware of the two—kept their bodies moving sinuously to the beat and through the people as they kissed, his hands sliding beneath Tony’s shirt to trail across soft skin. He was painfully hard at this point and so was Tony but Bucky wanted to tease this man to the point of not being able to say no. He knew distantly once Tony was away from the music he would say no, he would come up with excuses.

Bucky broke the kiss only to do another sinuous dip, spinning in the process so when he came up, ass first, he pressed into Tony’s hips, causing the male to groan desperately. Bucky grinned as he grinded his ass back into Tony’s hips, rocking his body in a way he knew would feel good to Tony. Tony’s hands were all over him, desperate. Bucky turned around again giving in to desperate tugs and needy whines as Tony pulled him in for another kiss. However, just before their lips touched pale arms encircled Tony’s waist, bodily lifting Tony away from Bucky, the new person turning his own body to put distance between the two. Bucky stumbled as he tried to follow only to run into a large body. “Damnit Tony” A voice growled, and Bucky groaned desperately. “Steve” Tony whined, voice low and needy while his wiry body twisted in the man’s arms attempting to reach for Bucky who was now desperately trying to slip back into the crowd because he knew the ma—Steve, his mind corrected—wouldn’t let him continue what he was doing.

_Pick up daddies at the playground_  
How I spend my day time  
Loosen up the frown,  
Make them feel alive  
Oh, make it fast and greasy  
I'm numb and way too easy

That was when Bucky ran into another blonde, this one with longer hair and an impressively larger frame than Steve. Bucky licked his lips in temptation as those large hands reached out for him and he wasn’t sure why but he ducked them only to press himself bodily against the male. The blonde startled but easily brought his hands back to grip Bucky’s waist, effectively stopping his grinding but that didn’t deter him. Bucky leaned on his tiptoes, because fuck this man was just that tall, and whispered into the man’s ear “Wanna fuck?”

Bucky’s hands slid up the man’s barely concealed chest as his hips fought against their restraints, wanting nothing more than to move. The blonde frowned slightly, raising an eyebrow before responding softly “Son of Barnes, why do you do this to yourself?”

Bucky wasn’t sure why but those words were more sobering than he wanted them to be. Suddenly disgusted and too aware of himself than he wanted to be for at least six more hours he shoved away from Thor, whom he could recognize now with his mind fighting the haze of drugs and booze. He grunted when Thor’s grip didn’t lessen a bit and struggled to free himself “Let me go Thor” Bucky grunted, shoving hard at the God’s chest with one hand, the metal one digging hard into one of Thor’s wrists.

Thor winced but didn’t look ready to release him anytime soon. Instead Thor seemed to be trying to find their friends so that they could probably corral Bucky together and leave the club. Desperate for escape Bucky tried a different tactic and instead of pulling back he suddenly shifted his weight to surge forward and slam his body into Thor’s, his lips finding purchase at the base of a long neck. Bucky didn’t hesitate to nip the area, sliding his tongue out to taste sweaty bliss and for a moment he was almost lost to the taste. He had already molested Steve, Tony and god knows who else, why not add to that list? He was high off his ass anyways, he couldn’t be held countable for his actions.

Although this particular action had the intended affect as Thor startled and released him, intending obviously to grab his shoulders but in that space of time Bucky was able to dip and dart away. Bucky ignored the shouts of his name as he slid by the bar, quickly grabbing a random and disappeared into one of the back rooms that was currently packed.

Bucky took a sharp swig of vodka, which was what he apparently grabbed, before he glanced around the tightly packed room. He was short enough amongst this crowd not to be noticed easily but knowing Steve he would be found soon if he didn’t manage an exit. Bucky sighed and upended the bottle, chasing a high he wasn’t sure he would get back tonight. Better to get home and hide in the bathtub, eat something just to throw it up and start over tomorrow. Although he was pretty sure that tomorrow when he wandered from the sanctuary that was his bathtub, if he wasn’t forced from it first, it wouldn’t be to repeat what he had been doing for the past month and a half.

Bucky idly rubbed his head groaning as a headache started to form and suddenly he found himself outside, the brisk air sobering him. Bucky sipped the bottle idly. He didn’t even want to know how he got this far from the club without being aware of it. He felt the edges of pain slowly ebbing back into him like tiny pin-pricks against his skin, only growing more intense the more distance he put between himself and the Club. He sighed and took the last sip of the bottle, tossing it aside into the trashcan when he found himself once more outside the tower without ever once telling his feet where to go. He would have questioned it, but this wasn’t the first time such things have happened so he just shrugged it off while running up the few steps to the tower doors.

“Welcome back Sargent Barnes, shall I let the others know you have made it home safely? They seem to still be searching for you amongst the club” JARVIS alerted him once he stepped into the resident elevator.

Bucky shook his head with a weary sigh, “Do you think I could get through the evening portion of my day before you do? I’d rather be on the verge of passing out before they return if it’s all the same to you” his voice was wrecked, rough from shouting and drinking all night. Possibly from doing any number of drugs he may have encountered as well he is sure.

“As you wish sir, however may I let you know this behavioral response to losing someone close to you is not a healthy outlet?” JARVIS responded coolly, and Bucky knew he wasn’t imagining the hint of worry he could practically hear oozing from the AI’s tone, but it didn’t stop him from responding as he always did the past month and a half he had been doing this “You may Jarv, isn’t going to stop me”.

The responding silence was more powerful than a long-suffering sigh Bucky liked to imagine the AI doing in regards to him at this moment.

Bucky managed to eat a slice of pizza and was just crawling into the bathtub on the common floor –hey he liked to switch it up, he’d woken up in Natasha’s bathroom once although he still isn’t sure how he got there without being killed—when he heard someone calling his name.

“Sir, as I have told you since you arrived, I am monitoring his vitals and he is as fine as he’s going to be for now. The best course of action would to be let him sleep it off and talk to him in the morning” JARVIS’s mechanical tones interrupted whoever was calling his name and Bucky couldn’t stop his desperate chuckles as pain swamped him. Never let it be said that Jarvis wasn’t protective of his residents. Jarvis may not approve of Bucky’s actions but he also knew what he was like once he returned from a night at the club and broken wasn’t quite the word for it. He had yet to have company upon a return trip from the club, yet then again he had yet to manage to molest his tower-mates as he seemed to distantly recall doing this night.

_Staying in my play pretend_  
Where the fun ain't got no end  
Ooh  
Can't go home alone again  
Need someone to numb the pain

The sudden silence outside the bathroom was nearly deafening as he choked down his chuckle-turned-sobs. The pain was almost full force now and he would be gone to it within a few minutes. Bucky pressed his metal hand tightly across his mouth to muffle the sobs shaking his frame as he bent over, pressing his face against his raised knees. He didn’t want to be heard, if he was heard there was a chance the person would check on him. Bucky wasn’t sure what he would do if someone saw him while he was breaking down, but he was absolutely sure he wasn’t ready for it.

He didn’t hear anything for a while and the lowering of the lights in the bathroom was all the sign he needed that he would be left alone for now. With that he let the pain that he held off for hours now sink back in, let it grasp the tattered edges of his soul, pull him down and drown in it.

_Spend my days locked in a haze_  
Trying to forget you babe  
I fall back down  
Gotta stay high all my life  
To forget I'm missing you  
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

The ringing in his head told Bucky exactly how successful he had been the night before at chasing a high, however he wasn’t sure the serum in his body should be letting him feel such a hangover hours later.  He grunted while trying to shift his body enough to sit up from where he was slumped over in the edge of the tub. He still wasn’t quite sure why he would seek shelter in tubs, but it had been a thing since he started getting his memories back. The first time Steve had found him in a bathtub, more specifically in his bathtub; Steve had made this face and nearly explained when Bucky mentioned to him the randomness of seeking shelter in them. Bucky however hadn’t wanted to hear it, irrationally afraid it would destroy the shelter he found in the porcelain sanctuaries.

“Good morning sir” JARVIS stated softly, barely lifting the lights in the bathroom just enough for Bucky to see what he was doing but not enough to send shockwaves of pain through his head. Not that the pain wouldn’t be a welcome relief to the constant torrent of pain through Bucky’s chest. Regardless Bucky slowly removed his clothes and turned the shower on. After listlessly scrubbing himself off he clambered out only to find fresh clothes waiting on the counter for him. With a soft sigh, Bucky scrubbed his face and started to dress. “What time is it Jar?” Bucky asked quietly, not wanting to alert anyone nearby that he was in fact awake if they hadn’t heard the shower running.

“It’s currently eight AM Barnes” JARVIS stated with a tone that clearly stated he wouldn’t allow Bucky to leave the tower for his ‘nightly’ activities if he so much as tried. The fact that Jarvis used ‘Barnes’ and didn’t include Sergeant only cemented the AI’s displeasure with him. Which is something that’s happened before and Bucky recognized the tone by now so he just waved a hand dismissively. It was early but late enough for Steve to be up, and he felt he should probably apologize for climbing his best friend like a horny and classless whore the night before. Not that Bucky hadn’t enjoyed what he could remember of it, but again, best friend, besides Steve had a thing for Tony and—Bucky paused before groaning and slumping down against the bathroom door. Tony, whom he had all but practically fucked on the dance floor the night before, Bucky could remember that almost vividly, since by that point he had only alcohol in his system and that never deterred his memory as much as actual drugs like cocaine would.

Bucky practically fucked Tony Stark on the dance floor of some classless club the man probably wouldn’t have been caught dead in if it hadn’t been for Bucky to begin with; who all the while knew Steve had a thing going with Tony. A thing Bucky hadn’t wanted to interfere with, and now he was pretty sure he had, if the vivid response Tony had had to him was anything to go off of. He would have to apologize even more now, if only to keep his ass from being kicked to hell and back. Although…

Bucky shook his head and with a sigh wearier than it should be. He heaved himself back into a semi-standing state. The shower had cleared the last of the fog from his mind and despite the natural haze he was in from just sheer pain of losing… _him_ , Bucky was sure he would be able to handle apologizing to Steve and Tony…and probably the rest of the team that had been there to witness Bucky’s tragic yet daily downfall into drugs and booze. If he could get apologizes done, Bucky figured he could probably sleep the rest of the day away until Jarvis would allow him to leave the tower again.

Shuffling slowly towards the kitchen because first coffee would probably help make his life easier when apologizing he paused momentarily upon hearing voices. Bucky continued to move closer but slowly more cautious about being quiet now as he struggled through the noise in his head to hear what was being said in such angry hushed voices.

“We should just tell him the truth!” –That was obviously Steve, that righteous anger he would recognize anywhere.

“And what, have him kill us all for lying?” Another voice said coolly, more calm although he could detect burning anger beneath it “At this point we’ve waited too long, he won’t wait to hear our reasons before murdering us”

“As opposed to letting him kill himself!” Steve shouted, a crashing sound causing him to flinch in place.

“Steve you need to calm down” Tony, he recognized that soft voice as well, but it was followed by a more purposeful sounding crash “Woah hey there big guy” Tony sounded placating and Bucky could easily picture him with his hands in the air in the universal sign of surrender.

“You need to shut up I can’t deal with you right now” Steve growled and wow, Bucky hadn’t heard Steve so angry in a long time. He struggled to find the parts of the conversation he caught to figure out what could have pissed Steve off to such an extent. It was a rarity indeed for it to happen.

“Look we knew he was doing something like this to himself, the situation was being monitored” A new voice chimed in, one he recognized after a moment to be Natasha.

There was a small pause before Steve asked with thinly contained rage that Bucky could easily picture the carefully blank expression that probably currently settled on Steve’s features, “We knew he was out getting high on cocaine and God knows what else while also drinking insane amounts of alcohol that could have possibly killed him, even for someone with a strain of the serum?”

“To an extent” Natasha replied and he could hear the caution in her voice which was wise since cool, calm but angry Steve was like the calm before a vicious storm. “Steve we didn’t know it was as bad as we saw last night. I mean we never realized he was getting to the point he wouldn’t even be able to recognize us, but there didn’t seem to be any reason he would continue doing so this long, or get worse…” This time the crash sounded more like a chair toppling, a startled shout was all the warning he had before he was nearly being trampled by Steve who seemed to be exiting the kitchen in a flurry of furious motion in an attempt to avoid murdering someone.

“Shit” Bucky cursed, tripping over himself to move out of Steve’s way. Steve attempted to abruptly stop and shift his momentum in his own sudden haste to not slam into his friend. They both however ended up on the floor in a tangle of limbs with Bucky on top in a way he think Steve compensated for in order to not startle Bucky underneath a sudden slam of weight. Bucky huffed, pain a dull roar in his head and chest at the moment as he tried to make sense of all the anger he could see in Steve’s eyes in that moment. Anger barely being leashed by Steve who obviously needed time to calm down, obviously didn’t need Bucky sassing him and making things worse… which is exactly what he did when he opened his mouth to apologize for… numerous things.

“If I knew I had to be sober to get you in this position I would have tried long ago” The words were out before Bucky could stop them and he groaned when he suddenly found himself rolling to a stop a few feet away from Steve’s harsh shove. A muffled curse behind him let him know Steve hadn’t actually meant to do that but it didn’t stop Bucky from thumping his head into the floor “I didn’t mean to say that” Bucky murmured, aware now of Tony’s choked laughter in the kitchen doorway. Bucky stared glumly at the ceiling until a tuft of blonde evaded his vision shortly followed by Steve’s very twisted expression. Anger, hurt, and sadness lingered there. “Bucky” Steve murmured softly, doing nothing more than kneeling beside him.

Bucky grunted before rolling away from Steve so he could push himself to his knees, the constant pain of loss ebbing and flowing within him making the exchange already more exhausting than it should be. “I’m sorry” Bucky mumbled, glancing up at Steve who was staring at him curiously “for last night, and” he waved a hand vaguely towards Steve’s body in hopes it would convey what he meant. From the way Steve’s ears tinted pink he assumed his meaning was clear. “Also for” Bucky waved another hand towards Tony, opening his mouth to clarify only to be interrupted by Tony himself.

“Oh no, no apologizing for that sinful display on the dance floor, I for one, enjoyed myself immensely” Tony winked before walking up behind Steve and carding a hand through the blondes hair, causing tense shoulders to drop in what appeared to be defeat “And I happen to know this big blond puppy would have too if he hadn’t been so worried for you.”

Bucky lowered his eyes to the floor, the intense need to explain himself to Steve, his one friend for nearly a century now, but he couldn’t. Not in front of all these people, so all he managed was another soft “Sorry” while ignoring Steve’s burning and imploring gaze. The silence stretched on for a moment until something that had been said in the kitchen earlier finally made its way to the forefront of Bucky’s brain “What don’t you guys want to tell me?”

Everyone around him tensed suddenly, and really, when had the rest of the team gathered there? Well everyone tensed except Steve who just went limper than he had been a moment ago and Tony who just eyed him thoughtfully. Steve glanced around before settling his gaze on Natasha and Bucky could have sworn they were communicating telepathically because just as Steve’s gaze tightened in that determined way Bucky recognized, Natasha was suddenly moving towards them with a strained “Steve no”

Bucky’s gaze flickered back to Steve’s just in time to hear the words that turned his world upside-down, again.

“Clint’s alive Bucky” Steve murmured softly, the words barely a lilt in the air, brushing across Bucky’s consciousness in a way that seemed more soothing than it really was. Because honestly the words ripped his heart open and he suddenly couldn’t breathe, choking on air, throat thick with pain that was so blinding he couldn’t think. His vision blurred and if he had been able to think he wouldn’t have panicked when his sight became so suddenly compromised by tears. A pained whine tore through his throat, ripping jaggedly against that ball of pain sitting tightly there as Bucky lifted a hand towards, he didn’t know what, only knew that the impossible was suddenly possible and up was down and _why couldn’t he breath?_

The world blissfully went black for a while after that.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm leaving this open-ended because I honestly don't think I could leave it right here... but its 3AM and I have to stop writing or I'll die and my ears will explode (Constant music blasting in my ears for hours isn't a good idea). Maybe if I get enough comments I'll finish it, even if not I just may anyways because I'd hate to leave what few readers who do see it in a horrid disarray of concern. Hm.


End file.
